Video Script - KPMG

KPMG created the Branding U program to prepare their recruits for success. A lot of effort goes into grooming talent. The firm wants to be sure they would be ready for partner interviews and client diners.

This video uses humor to demonstrate some of the basics of dining etiquette - little tips those of us on the crew were a bit embarrassed to admit we didn’t even know ourselves. The piece was lensed by Jose Acosta. Editing and sound design were done by me.

The script was written by me with input from KPMG’s T. Kurera and Jason Lehansky. Our cast of improv actors (Brian Bremer, Matt Stanton, Tom Rittenhouse, Karen Cassady and the brilliant Viviana Chavez) added a lot of hysterical flourishes.

Script follows video;

VIDEO SCRIPT - DINING ETIQUETTE
by BRENT DEY

An overly corporate looking HOST is standing in a restaurant - think Leslie Neilson from Airplane. He speaks with a very clipped, corporate, self-important tone. His manner of speaking is a joke unto itself, as is his corporate look. As we go throughout the video, his way of entering and exiting the frame is also a running joke. 

HOST: “In today’s hustle and bustle world, you are going to have a lot of opportunities to eat food in front of complete strangers - or at least people you want to impress for financial gain. 

Comical montage of each - prospective clients, potential employer, possible in-laws:

HOST: “These could be prospective clients, potential employers or possible in-laws.”

Montage ends as HOST walks past table, where fiancé is eating with his in-laws with his elbows on the table. 

HOST: “In each case, you’ll need to show poise, grace… and good table manners… to make a good impression. Psst. get your elbow off the table.” 

HOST taps fiancé’s arm off the table (this should come off as if the host is embarrassed for the fiancé and trying to help). We cut to a tight shot of HOST stepping into frame to give final intro line to camera;

            HOST: “Believe it or not, but poise and grace can tell us more about you than a resume ever could.”

Dolly move as HOST walks into wide shot, revealing the recruiter’s table. The WAITER is pulling out the wine list to show the RECRUITER. Between her and the other recruits is a conspicuously empty chair. 

HOST: “If you haven’t had a lot of experience eating at fancy places like this, don’t panic. Just follow the lead of your host. She’ll know what to do.”

HOST steps forward and almost plows into BRIAN, who comes running in from behind. After their near collision, HOST brushes himself off, looks at his watch and says his next line. 

            HOST: “…and always be on time!”  

TOM sits down between WAITER and RECRUITER just as WAITER holds out the wine list. Wine list lands right at the end of TOM’s nose. 

WAITER: “Can I get you a drink?”

TOM: “Sure can! After the day I’ve had, I could use a beer!” 

HOST: “Always follow your hosts’ lead when it comes to ordering – especially alcohol.”

            RECRUITER: “…Right… um… I’ll have an iced tea.”

WAITER walks by, takes wine list from RECRUITER and heads toward Karen. 

            WAITER: “Now I take orders!”  

HOST: “If your host isn’t the first to order, ask for her recommendation.”

VIVIANA: “What do you recommend?”

RECRUITER: “I’ve had the tiny lamb chops… they’re fantastic.”

As RECRUITER responds, camera whips over to KAREN, who is going over the menu with the WAITER. She takes a long time to ponder between each question, making the waiter raise his pen believing she is about to order, but she always comes back with another self-important and annoying question. 

KAREN: “The chicken Contadina that you have here on the menu… is that made with free-

range chicken?”

WAITER: “Free range. Yes, I believe it is so, ma’am. Free range.”

KAREN: “Excellent… excellent… do you know if that chicken is locally sourced?”

WAITER: “Yes, ma’am. We proudly source all of our ingredients from nearby family farms.”

KAREN: “Do you know if any of those farms are near an industrial areas? I’m just asking because pesticides could drift into the chicken feed and…”

HOST: “Don’t ask too many questions when placing your order.” 

KAREN: “…if pesticides are mixed in with your chicken, you could still get toxicity in the meat. And toxicity makes me itch.”  

KAREN: (stops cold in her lines, looks to camera, busted, then back to waiter)”In that case, I guess I’ll have the Mountain Stream Salmon and… and a mixed greens salad.”

HOST: “And be careful…”

WAITER writes down her order and goes to close his book.

            KAREN: “And let’s add the Crispy Nantucket scallops. Would anybody share that with me?”

HOST: “And be careful…”

WAITER writes down her order and goes to close his book.

            KAREN: “Oooh… and the African Squash Chemoula… gotta try that.”

HOST: (as if rushing to get the first part in before he is cut off again) “And be careful not to order too much. Remember, you’re there first to network, second to eat. If you are hired, there will be plenty of more business dinners to come.”

The WAITER, has stepped away during the HOST’s speech. He returns with a tray of appetizers.  

            WAITER: (in an exaggerated French accent) “Appetizers! Bon appetite!” 

After his line, the WAITER makes that cheesy kissing move with his fingers and sets his tray on the table. 

The camera pans among Karen and Viviana, whom are waiting for the RECRUITER’s lead. The camera pauses on BOB who has his shirtsleeves rolled up and is digging into the appetizers. We hear him noisily eating before he is even revealed by the camera. We pause slightly on him, before sliding back to the RECRUITER who is just being served her plate.  

HOST: “Remember, you shouldn’t begin eating until everyone has been served and your host has signaled that she is ready to begin.”

Cut to JUSTIN, who is surreptitiously watching the RECRUITER.

HOST: “So watch carefully to see which fork she picks up.”

HOST turns to table to watch the RECRUITER, as does the rest of the table (but politely and subtly). The RECRUITER goes for her fork and is distracted by VIVIANA. She goes for her fork again and is distracted by the WAITER. JUSTIN matches all these moves in a way that feels like an old west gunfight. Tight shots of eyes, tight shots of hands reaching then not reaching for the fork to accentuate the tension and play up the comedic effect. 

When the RECRUITER actually grabs her fork, JUSTIN does too, sighing in relief. HOST walks over to VIVIANA, whom is looking at her array of silverware in a state of panic. 

HOST: “When in doubt about which utensil to use, start from the outside and work your way in.”

VIVIANA grabs the wrong fork. HOST takes it out of her hand and replaces it with correct one, then smiles. Shots of the RECRUITS doing all below as HOST talks off camera:

HOST: “And if you’re not sure which bread plate is yours or which water glass, you can either look for lipstick smudges, or remember the rule of b and d – your b-read is on your left and your d-rink is on your right.”  

KAREN makes the b and d with her hands, and reaches for her bread roll. Camera follows her reach to see her touch hands with JUSTIN just as he reaches for the same roll. Their eyes lock. Romantic music begins playing as the camera pushes in on JUSTIN’s blissful reaction – clearly he is in love. We cut to romantic footage of the two running in slow motion over a hill as daisy petals fall in the foreground. After a few seconds, this dreamy interlude is interrupted by a screech. 

            KAREN: “Ummm… that’s my bread. Rule of B and D, remember?” 

KAREN makes a ‘b’ and ‘d’ with her hand as she delivers the ‘b’ and ‘d’ line, proving she is right.  

JUSTIN, embarrassed by the awkward moment, pulls his hand away. As he does, he knocks a fork off the table. As the fork lands on the ground, the HOST appears from under the tablecloth:

HOST: “If you drop a utensil while eating… or failing at a romantic advance… don’t bother picking it up. Just ask the waiter for another one.”

WAITER appears in frame and HOST hands him the fork before both give the camera a satisfied look. The HOST disappears back under the tablecloth. 

We cut to VIVIANA and the RECRUITER. VIVIANA is telling the RECRUITER something odd. As they talk, the HOST’s head rises from under the table between them. 

VIVIANA (to Kara): “…and within all of us is a third dimension where we all take the form of extinct animals. And when we’ve reached that, we’ve reached attainment. So yeah… those are my beliefs. What do you believe?”

HOST: “You definitely want to avoid hot topics like religion or politics.”

TOM, from across the table, has picked up on tension between RECRUITER and VIVIANA. He attempts to change the topic, but he brings up something they don’t know anything about.  

            TOM: “So… is anyone here a sports fan? (blank stares).

            KAREN:  (raising hand)“I am! …”

TOM: “Did you catch the game last night?”

KAREN: “When they got the safety on the opening drive? SWEEEEET!” (high-five each other)

Blank stares from VIVIANA, JUSTIN and the RECRUITER, but TOM and KAREN are engaged in an animated conversation about sports games, the rest of the table out. 

HOST: “And pick a topic everyone knows something about so everyone can enjoy the conversation.”

TOM: (comically speaking with a mouth full of food): “I thought all the injuries were gonna hurt…but I guess not.” 

HOST: “And don’t talk with your mouth full. 

The conversation continues. Each time someone says something, he has just taken a bite of food. 

            KAREN: “I can’t believe all the penalties the ref called in the first quarter.”

VIVIANA, who has been texting and fiddling with her phone throughout the entire meal gets a call. She looks at the caller ID, which says ‘Secret Admirer.’ She looks as if she’s unsure whether she should take the call, then gets a mischievous look on her face, excuses herself from the sports conversation, and gets up to take it.

The WAITER comes in quickly and looks around with a panicked look like “where’d she go?” before seeing the silverware and napkin and nodding knowingly while stroking his ridiculous mustache.  

HOST: “If you’re going to leave, rest your silverware on your plate at the 4 and 8 position and leave your napkin on your chair. This will let your server know you plan on returning.”

CAMERA pans over to where VIVIANA had been sitting.

HOST: “And if you’re finished with your entrée, rest your silverware at the 10:00 and 4:00 angle. This will let your server know that he can collect your plate.”

JUSTIN holds up his iPhone clock to the plate. It’s displaying an LED number (not a classic clock), so he is very confused. 

JUSTIN: “10:00? Huh?”

Whip pan to: 

RESTAURANT LOBBY

VIVIAN comes walking into the lobby with her phone to her ear.

            VIVIANA: “Hey… what’s up?”

HOST (using his best romantic hip hop sexy guy phone voice – but still in character): “you been textin’ and stuff all nite?” 

VIVIANA: (blushing) “yeah… I guess so.”

HOST (voice clears up a bit… more serious): “Yeah... well just remember that you’re at a networking dinner. It might be a good idea not to fiddle with the phone so much.”

VIVIANA holds phone out to look at it, confused. We cut back to the interior of the dining room, where we see HOST smiling mischievously. He tucks his phone back in his suit pocket as VIVIANA can be seen over his shoulder re-entering the room.

INTERIOR DINING ROOM 

As VIVIANA sits down, the WAITER pushes a dining cart in with a big dome on it. 

            VIVIANA: “Who ordered that?!?!?!”

WAITER lifts the dome to reveal the HOST’s head sitting on a steaming platter. 

HOST: “One more thing… when ordering your entrée, stay within the price range of what your host is ordering. Choosing the most expensive item on the menu is probably not a good idea. (he begins to duck down, then pops back up) Unless, of course, your host recommends it… then it’s ok.”

HOST ducks down and replaces himself with a small plate of caviar, which looks comical in the gigantic dome.   

WAITER (to RECRUIT - JUSTIN): “Who ordered the impossibly expensive Albino Almas Sturgeon Caviar?”

EXTERIOR RESTAURANT

The RECRUITER and RECRUITS are streaming out of the restaurant past the camera. BOB has his wallet open with cash in his hand. 

BOB: “If you don’t let me pay, let me at least give you some money for the tip.”

RECRUITER: “No, it’s fine, really.”

HOST: “At the end of your meal, don’t offer to pay. Remember, you are a guest of the firm. All you owe is a simple thanks.”

VIVANA: “Thanks again for treating us to such a wonderful evening. I’m looking forward to the next campus event!”

HOST: “Well done, polite girl… well done. (looks at watch) Well, we’re almost out of time, but before we go, here are a few more tips… (clears throat dramatically) ahem… “

HOST reads at a noticeably faster pace than he had delivered his previous lines. Each line is accompanied by a small, funny video snippet:

            HOST:  DON’T order messy food, like spaghetti

Video montage shows VIVIANA (or whoever can do it best) slurping a giant thread of spaghetti as it sprays pasta sauce all over.   

HOST: Do Sit up straight and don’t tip your chair back.

TOM is leaning back on his chair. It breaks and he falls to the ground. 

HOST: “Don’t chew gum at the table. And DON’T put your gum under the table.”

After KAREN gets busted chewing gum, she goes to put it under the table. We cut under the table to see the HOST deliver his line. He holds out a napkin helpfully. 

HOST: “Always pass the salt and pepper shakers together. Remember, they’re married!”

JUSTIN passes both the salt and pepper and shakers. When he sets them down, wedding music plays, and one animates over to kiss the other.

HOST: “DON’T lick your utensils or fingers.”

We pan up from a giant rack of ribs. TOM is covered in BBQ sauce and noisily licking his knife and fingers. 

HOST: “DON’T take pictures of your food.”

As a plate is set in front of her, VIVIANA pulls out her camera and takes a picture. Then she plugs her phone into a laptop she has sitting on an empty chair by the table. She also has iPads and other laptops set up to Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. She looks at the group and says (in mock embarrasement);

            VIVIANA: “Hold on everyone… I just gotta update my profile.” 

            HOST: “And don’t blog about your dinner while eating.”

We cut out of the montage sequence to the HOST standing alone in front of the restaurant. 

HOST: “You’ve made it as far as the recruiting dinner. Follow these tips to make sure something as simple as Dinning Etiquette doesn’t tarnish your brand.”

He smiles. We hear a ding as a flash comes off his tooth. Text message dings. He removes his phone from his pocket.

HOST: “Whoa… Looks like I’m needed elsewhere! A wedding reception is about to go down in flames! Gotta go.” 

HOST trots out of his tight frame. We cut to his wide shot. He’s already about 10 feet away. As walking, he does a jaunty little jump and clicks his feet in air.